[ The carrier switches to video to show that, yes, his master is definitely indulging in something long and shiny. Corrin only smiles, his head on his arm on a counter of some tavern, as he smiles at his carrier while listening to Subaki's voice from it. ]
No... just told me it was a good way to not think... it really helps, you know. Haven't thought of anything at all.
[ He chuckles ]
I had too much to think about. It wasn't very happy, either.
[ He wouldn't have given in like this back home- back home, they had far more to worry about that disappointments wouldn't let them linger on them. But here- he actually can linger. And it's not good. ]
[ it's logical! he won't be drunk and drive! Though Subaki's words almost make him laugh dryly. ]
I'm no strategist. This place isn't like home. And what is like home isn't. Even my own friend doesn't recognize me.
[ He thinks of Azura for a moment when he says that though- she wouldn't be happy to see him like this either. He sighs and turns to look at his carrier. ]
No one needs me in this place, Subaki. I'm no better than any other soldier. No matter what I learn here... how can I protect anyone if I can't even do that?
[ He frowns at those words before giving him a serious look, disapproving of that response quickly. ]
Are you going to dismiss Sakura's faith in you? She gave you her loyalty because she believes in you and your ability to lead, and for that reason alone, I have also pledged my loyalty to you. You are a capable and brilliant leader. I've seen it for myself.
[ Sakura wouldn't choose anyone who was weak or anyone who didn't have a good heart. It's her faith in him that gives Subaki the same amount of faith. ]
What caused you to lose such hope in yourself? Don't you remember what we're all fighting for? Why we choose to stand by your side?
Of course not... Sakura, Azura, Felicia... they stood by me when no one else did... of course, I haven't forgotten...
[ He sounds pained. ]
But what good am I... if none of what I've done is remembered by someone I trusted with my life? When someone else... can lay claim to everything I had with them? What good am I if that's possible?
[ It's the alcohol making this worse, but he just doesn't understand why it's just him. Everyone else was the same, and remembered as such, and he was prepared for things being different, of different times, and different places...
Why is only his existence the one that's different? ]
... Subaki. What if someone you cared for, respected and was close to... what if they didn't know you as you are? But had exactly the same relationship with you, with someone else? What would you feel?
[ He wouldn't think this hard if he wasn't drunk, anyway. ]
You don't get it at all. But it doesn't matter...
It's not like you're the one who doesn't remember me. I don't expect you to care as much... and now, I can't expect it from someone I thought was closer to me.
[ The thought makes his chest hurt as he feels his eyes beginning to grow blurry. ]
... it really hurts to be forgotten. I didn't realize it'd hurt this much. Bu-but don't worry... it's probably better... he doesn't.
[ Oh no. Why is he leaking? Don't do this to him!! ]
M-my lord, please don't cry! Calm down!
[ What did he say that was so bad? What is going on? Is it possible his perfect reputation is being ruined here by his inability to grasp the situation or to comfort his lord properly in his time of need?
But he also isn't entirely aware of what's even upset him. He tries to review all the information in his head again. ]
...Did someone forget you recently? It wasn't I. I could never forget anything.
[ Suffer, Subaki, suffer knowing you've made this situation worse!!!11!
... only not, really, though Corrin is sobering up a bit. In fact, between his sobs and rubbing of his eyes to keep his tears from falling, he actually releases a weak chuckle. ]
I've troubled you far too much for you to forget me, haven't I...
[ It's not Subaki's- or Jakob's fault.
It's this place. ]
Jakob doesn't know me. We'd practically grown up together, but he remembered serving another person. A woman named Corrin, instead of me.
[ He relaxes, a little numb, after saying that. ]
It shouldn't upset me so much, but... just thinking about the possibility... of someone as close as he was, not remembering me as I am...
I wouldn't know what to do. He wouldn't even need me, or anyone else, who remembered the same things he does for that matter.
I wouldn't even exist to them. Is it... selfish of me to be upset about that?
[ Which would kill him inside, especially since he cares for and trusts everyone in their army. ]
[ Ah yes...that did seem strange. He remembers Jakob looking everywhere for his mistress. He had wondered, at the time, if he had hit his head particularly hard at some point prior to his arrival. ]
Isn't that a bit extreme? If my lady were still my lady in every facet but had just happened to have been turned into a man, I'd still take care of her and protect her.
[ Mostly, because what else would he do otherwise? A retainer without anyone to serve would be at a loss. That and Sakura is one of the most kind-hearted and strongest people he's ever met. He'd always pledge himself to her. ]
Likewise, if you had arrived here as a lady, I would feel no differently provided your ideals and personality remained the same.
That's if you recognized your lady as who she is, wouldn't it? What if, just perhaps, there was the chance that you never figured it out? You'd have still served someone else, and you'd be looking to serve who you knew. That being Sakura, as she is.
[ But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe another existence of his could succeed where he might fail. ]
Perhaps, in a place like this, it would be possible for someone like that to end up here, too. Then you'd have no reason to look out for anyone else calling themselves your lady, would you? No matter how familiar you'd be to the other.
Why would I not figure it out? I'd know instantly who she was because I know everything about her.
[ Did Corrin ever think that he was just a better retainer than Jakob? He could pick out Sakura even if she arrived in the body of an elderly man or in the body of a cat. ]
If Jakob couldn't recognize you at first, then why didn't you simply tell him who you were and discuss the situation?
[ It seems a little needlessly complicated to leave him in the dark. At any rate, Subaki hadn't minced words with him and sees no reason to. ]
I don't believe you would. Jakob is excellent in his service, so much that I'd believe him to know me better than I know myself. If he couldn't, I doubt you would either. And that's normal if you've served someone you know as an entirely different person.
[ His words are harsh, but if his friend is willing to give him that honesty, then he's not going to hold his own thoughts either. ]
And I did tell him. I explained everything that I could, and apologized. I had been too shocked when we met to think right.
[ After the fact. If Azura had been there, at least she'd have snapped him out of it... but he did immediately write to Jakob as soon as he could think on it.
His expression falters right after. ]
... it doesn't matter either way, does it? Perhaps he's as shocked as I was, but just like you chose to serve of your own free will, so has he, and made no contact after, yet. And I haven't the right to ask it of him in a place where I have no standing anyway.
[ Ouch, Corrin, does he really think Jakob is a more perfect retainer than he is? The insinuation alone makes him tense unpleasantly, but he holds his tongue, unwilling to upset Corrin any further. He's not here to argue about that anyway.
Instead, he focuses on his last question. ]
Why wouldn't I? I tell her everything.
[ Sakura would be upset with him if he didn't, and he also thinks she would empathize more with Corrin. As much as he is trying, he doesn't understand it from Corrin's point of view. ]
She worries for you, my lord. You are her beloved brother. She only wants you and Lord Takumi to be happy while you are both trapped here with her.
[ It's only the truth... besides, he only meant it as fact. Just like Subaki and Hana are there for Sakura and how her needs are understood perfectly by them, Jakob, Felicia and Flora understand his. Subaki might be excellent at a lot of things, but perhaps his lack of personal experience in what he claims knowledge of reduces his ability to actually empathize... books can only teach one so much. He doesn't address Subaki's tension- even if he sees it, because he knows he won't be able to explain himself as well right now.
He will apologize later for it, but right now— ]
I don't like worrying her.
[ There's a slight warning there for him to consider not telling her, but he knows it'll be futile. He sighs, though. ]
... I'm glad, though. That you aren't sure about how to help. I'd have been surprised if anyone could have. I'm sorry for troubling you, though.
[ He lowers his head, onto his arm. ]
You're too good to have to bother for someone as selfish as I am in my state.
[ he might just cry about it later when he's alone, but he peeks over his arm. ]
... are we friends, Subaki?
[ Its a strange question but after these two months of walking on eggshells around Takumi, knowing full well that Sakura and him and Subaki have a rapport and interactions he has no place demanding an involvement in... and doesn't, his guilt about all the bad things he's caused Hoshido is beginning to feel suffocating— and the loneliness that comes from it. ]
[ Truthfully, given his station below Corrin, it's a little awkward to call him his friend, but with everything that's happened, he can say with full confidence that they have grown closer here. Besides, Corrin has never really treated him with anything else but kindness and understanding, and he owes him quite a bit for not telling anyone he fell asleep in the midst of his duties ...and all the other problematic incidents that have befallen them since their arrival. ]
Yes, I believe we are, but you are still my prince first and foremost. My duty is to protect you and fight for you as I would your sister.
[ It's as honest of an answer as he can give him. He could never put anything above his duty. ]
And I don't believe I am too good for anything, let alone you. As I said before, Lady Sakura chose to fight for you because she has faith in you. Therefore, so do I.
[ No matter where they are, no matter what the terms. ]
Then I ban you from it, Subaki. If it keeps you from being my friend in the fullest sense, then you are not allowed to look after me. Or fight for me unless you wish it from your heart.
[ He smiles a little, tired from the night's conversation. ]
Perhaps if we do that, you'll be able to have someone to relax with, rather than worry about.
You obviously can't. My duty is my du-Are you firing me?! Did I displease you that much???
[ This sounds terrible. Why would he do this? He couldn't have made him that upset. He clutches his hair, looking frazzled. How could he be relieved like this? He's an amazing warrior, isn't he? And a perfect retainer!! ]
My lord, please allow me to prove myself! Lady Sakura would be upset if she knew I failed you! My reputation as a retainer...
You didn't displease me at all. Why would you think that, Subaki?
[ He sits up, feeling a little more sober at least. ]
If you keep treating me as a master, you'll never relax around me. The way all friends do... so... I want to be your friend. If we can't have that with you being unable to relax and be yourself, then I'd rather you didn't serve me if it lets you lower your guard.
[ And, with an added smile— ]
And it might just help you learn how to solve a problem like this, should any other friend be in a situation like it, don't you think?
[ He feels so put-out by this conversation. He doesn't even know what Lord Corrin wants or needs. Perhaps, it really would be a better idea to consult Sakura even if it means having to admit his failure here. The horror. ]
I'll be by your room in the morning to bring you water and warm tea to soothe the headache you shall have. As a friend, of course!
[ Because no matter how much it bothers Corrin, he can't resist wanting to take care of others. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
( voice; )
Date: 2016-09-13 02:19 am (UTC)You didn't happen to accept a drink from a stranger, did you? Hasn't anyone told you before not to put strange things in your mouth?
( voice; )
Date: 2016-09-13 02:33 am (UTC)[ What is he even talking about ]
I didn't know it'd feel that good... kind of made me feel happy, Subaki. I haven't really been happy here...
( voice; )
Date: 2016-09-14 03:04 am (UTC)You haven't been drinking alcohol, have you?
[ That would explain quite a bit, but it's also rather unlike Corrin. ]
I don't believe I've ever seen you in this state. Did someone coerce you into it?
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-14 03:24 am (UTC)No... just told me it was a good way to not think... it really helps, you know. Haven't thought of anything at all.
[ He chuckles ]
I had too much to think about. It wasn't very happy, either.
[ He wouldn't have given in like this back home- back home, they had far more to worry about that disappointments wouldn't let them linger on them. But here- he actually can linger. And it's not good. ]
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-15 11:08 pm (UTC)You shouldn't be drinking on your own, my lord. What if something happened to you on the way home? You wouldn't be able to fend yourself.
[ Especially when he can't turn into a dragon at the moment. ]
What even possessed you to do this? You're our chief strategist. We rely on you to guide us in battle. It wouldn't do to have your mind impaired.
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-16 08:03 pm (UTC)[ it's logical! he won't be drunk and drive! Though Subaki's words almost make him laugh dryly. ]
I'm no strategist. This place isn't like home. And what is like home isn't. Even my own friend doesn't recognize me.
[ He thinks of Azura for a moment when he says that though- she wouldn't be happy to see him like this either. He sighs and turns to look at his carrier. ]
No one needs me in this place, Subaki. I'm no better than any other soldier. No matter what I learn here... how can I protect anyone if I can't even do that?
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-20 01:56 am (UTC)Are you going to dismiss Sakura's faith in you? She gave you her loyalty because she believes in you and your ability to lead, and for that reason alone, I have also pledged my loyalty to you. You are a capable and brilliant leader. I've seen it for myself.
[ Sakura wouldn't choose anyone who was weak or anyone who didn't have a good heart. It's her faith in him that gives Subaki the same amount of faith. ]
What caused you to lose such hope in yourself? Don't you remember what we're all fighting for? Why we choose to stand by your side?
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-20 02:10 am (UTC)[ He sounds pained. ]
But what good am I... if none of what I've done is remembered by someone I trusted with my life? When someone else... can lay claim to everything I had with them? What good am I if that's possible?
[ It's the alcohol making this worse, but he just doesn't understand why it's just him. Everyone else was the same, and remembered as such, and he was prepared for things being different, of different times, and different places...
Why is only his existence the one that's different? ]
... Subaki. What if someone you cared for, respected and was close to... what if they didn't know you as you are? But had exactly the same relationship with you, with someone else? What would you feel?
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-22 03:17 am (UTC)[ The alcohol is making him rather incomprehensible. Even Subaki's sharp ears and sharp mind can't piece together the hypothetical situation. ]
I suppose you mean Lady Sakura, but I doubt she would ever have another retainer as capable, competent, and as perfect as I.
[ No, he totally misunderstood everything. ]
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-22 03:33 am (UTC)[ He wouldn't think this hard if he wasn't drunk, anyway. ]
You don't get it at all. But it doesn't matter...
It's not like you're the one who doesn't remember me. I don't expect you to care as much... and now, I can't expect it from someone I thought was closer to me.
[ The thought makes his chest hurt as he feels his eyes beginning to grow blurry. ]
... it really hurts to be forgotten. I didn't realize it'd hurt this much. Bu-but don't worry... it's probably better... he doesn't.
[ Sniff. ]
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-24 02:18 pm (UTC)M-my lord, please don't cry! Calm down!
[ What did he say that was so bad? What is going on? Is it possible his perfect reputation is being ruined here by his inability to grasp the situation or to comfort his lord properly in his time of need?
But he also isn't entirely aware of what's even upset him. He tries to review all the information in his head again. ]
...Did someone forget you recently? It wasn't I. I could never forget anything.
[ Just to establish that right away. ]
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-25 12:20 am (UTC)... only not, really, though Corrin is sobering up a bit. In fact, between his sobs and rubbing of his eyes to keep his tears from falling, he actually releases a weak chuckle. ]
I've troubled you far too much for you to forget me, haven't I...
[ It's not Subaki's- or Jakob's fault.
It's this place. ]
Jakob doesn't know me. We'd practically grown up together, but he remembered serving another person. A woman named Corrin, instead of me.
[ He relaxes, a little numb, after saying that. ]
It shouldn't upset me so much, but... just thinking about the possibility... of someone as close as he was, not remembering me as I am...
I wouldn't know what to do. He wouldn't even need me, or anyone else, who remembered the same things he does for that matter.
I wouldn't even exist to them. Is it... selfish of me to be upset about that?
[ Which would kill him inside, especially since he cares for and trusts everyone in their army. ]
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-25 07:09 pm (UTC)Isn't that a bit extreme? If my lady were still my lady in every facet but had just happened to have been turned into a man, I'd still take care of her and protect her.
[ Mostly, because what else would he do otherwise? A retainer without anyone to serve would be at a loss. That and Sakura is one of the most kind-hearted and strongest people he's ever met. He'd always pledge himself to her. ]
Likewise, if you had arrived here as a lady, I would feel no differently provided your ideals and personality remained the same.
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-25 08:54 pm (UTC)[ But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe another existence of his could succeed where he might fail. ]
Perhaps, in a place like this, it would be possible for someone like that to end up here, too. Then you'd have no reason to look out for anyone else calling themselves your lady, would you? No matter how familiar you'd be to the other.
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-26 03:21 am (UTC)[ Did Corrin ever think that he was just a better retainer than Jakob? He could pick out Sakura even if she arrived in the body of an elderly man or in the body of a cat. ]
If Jakob couldn't recognize you at first, then why didn't you simply tell him who you were and discuss the situation?
[ It seems a little needlessly complicated to leave him in the dark. At any rate, Subaki hadn't minced words with him and sees no reason to. ]
( video; 1/2)
Date: 2016-09-26 04:29 am (UTC)[ His words are harsh, but if his friend is willing to give him that honesty, then he's not going to hold his own thoughts either. ]
( video; 2/2 )
Date: 2016-09-26 04:36 am (UTC)[ After the fact. If Azura had been there, at least she'd have snapped him out of it... but he did immediately write to Jakob as soon as he could think on it.
His expression falters right after. ]
... it doesn't matter either way, does it? Perhaps he's as shocked as I was, but just like you chose to serve of your own free will, so has he, and made no contact after, yet. And I haven't the right to ask it of him in a place where I have no standing anyway.
[ The remainder of the drink is gulped down. ]
... you're going to tell Sakura, aren't you?
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-26 04:46 am (UTC)Instead, he focuses on his last question. ]
Why wouldn't I? I tell her everything.
[ Sakura would be upset with him if he didn't, and he also thinks she would empathize more with Corrin. As much as he is trying, he doesn't understand it from Corrin's point of view. ]
She worries for you, my lord. You are her beloved brother. She only wants you and Lord Takumi to be happy while you are both trapped here with her.
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-26 05:25 am (UTC)He will apologize later for it, but right now— ]
I don't like worrying her.
[ There's a slight warning there for him to consider not telling her, but he knows it'll be futile. He sighs, though. ]
... I'm glad, though. That you aren't sure about how to help. I'd have been surprised if anyone could have. I'm sorry for troubling you, though.
[ He lowers his head, onto his arm. ]
You're too good to have to bother for someone as selfish as I am in my state.
[ he might just cry about it later when he's alone, but he peeks over his arm. ]
... are we friends, Subaki?
[ Its a strange question but after these two months of walking on eggshells around Takumi, knowing full well that Sakura and him and Subaki have a rapport and interactions he has no place demanding an involvement in... and doesn't, his guilt about all the bad things he's caused Hoshido is beginning to feel suffocating— and the loneliness that comes from it. ]
( video; )
Date: 2016-09-26 11:43 pm (UTC)Yes, I believe we are, but you are still my prince first and foremost. My duty is to protect you and fight for you as I would your sister.
[ It's as honest of an answer as he can give him. He could never put anything above his duty. ]
And I don't believe I am too good for anything, let alone you. As I said before, Lady Sakura chose to fight for you because she has faith in you. Therefore, so do I.
[ No matter where they are, no matter what the terms. ]
( video; )
Date: 2016-10-09 02:29 pm (UTC)[ He smiles a little, tired from the night's conversation. ]
Perhaps if we do that, you'll be able to have someone to relax with, rather than worry about.
( video; )
Date: 2016-10-10 12:40 am (UTC)[ This sounds terrible. Why would he do this? He couldn't have made him that upset. He clutches his hair, looking frazzled. How could he be relieved like this? He's an amazing warrior, isn't he? And a perfect retainer!! ]
My lord, please allow me to prove myself! Lady Sakura would be upset if she knew I failed you! My reputation as a retainer...
( video; )
Date: 2016-10-10 12:56 am (UTC)[ He sits up, feeling a little more sober at least. ]
If you keep treating me as a master, you'll never relax around me. The way all friends do... so... I want to be your friend. If we can't have that with you being unable to relax and be yourself, then I'd rather you didn't serve me if it lets you lower your guard.
[ And, with an added smile— ]
And it might just help you learn how to solve a problem like this, should any other friend be in a situation like it, don't you think?
( video; )
Date: 2016-10-11 01:08 am (UTC)[ He feels so put-out by this conversation. He doesn't even know what Lord Corrin wants or needs. Perhaps, it really would be a better idea to consult Sakura even if it means having to admit his failure here. The horror. ]
I'll be by your room in the morning to bring you water and warm tea to soothe the headache you shall have. As a friend, of course!
[ Because no matter how much it bothers Corrin, he can't resist wanting to take care of others. ]